Homemade Soft Pretzels!

I love me some soft pretzels, and when I lived in Annapolis, I had weekend access to hot, fresh, delicious soft pretzels at the local Amish market, where you got a free pretzel with the purchase of whatever specific shake they chose.

Apparently the Amish population is lacking where I live now, because there isn't an Amish market, and yet I still constantly crave pretzels. So, I decided that (with the help of Hubs) I'd make my own!

This is the recipe I got from Alton Brown. Please feel free to look it up yourself, as I took some artistic liberties (coughcough lazy shortcuts coughcough) with the directions. Alright, fine, I'll provide you with the link BECAUSE I'M A NICE PERSON.

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cups warm (110 to 115 degrees F) water
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 2 teaspoons kosher salt
• 1 package active dry yeast
• 22 ounces all-purpose flour, approximately 4 1/2 cups
• 2 ounces unsalted butter, melted
• Vegetable oil, for pan
• 10 cups water
• 2/3 cup baking soda
• 1 large egg yolk beaten with 1 tablespoon water
• Pretzel salt

We'll follow along with the directions using the pictures I took.

1.5 cups water, the yeast, the salt, and the sugar!

Combine the above in the bowl of your stand mixer, then let sit for five minutes to let the little yeasts awake from their slumber.

In the meantime, melt ya buttah

and weigh your flour.

After five minutes, your bowl should look like this. Little yeasty babies are awake! And burping!

Attach the dough hook for your mixer

Dump in that melty buttah

Dump in your flour

Put in on low speed, so that all the ingredients can meet

Now that they're mostly-ish mixed together, crank the speed to medium 

By medium, I assumed he meant high. Let the mixer do it's magic until the dough pulls away from the side of the bowl, about 4-5 minutes. Also, obviously these are Hubs' hands. Mine are prettier.

After realizing that our dough was too sticky to pull away (Florida humidity ruins everything ever), we added about 2.5 more tablespoons of flour. Then it did this, so we assume it worked.

Cover the dough and the inside of the bowl with a light coating of vegetable oil to  prevent a large sticky mess, slap some plastic wrap on top, and allow to rise in a warm place until doubled in size, about 50-55 minutes.

I put mine on my screened in porch, and since it's about 100 degrees outside and 85%  humidity, decided I'd check it after 40 minutes. Also, robot timer returns.

This should be just enough time to write the start of your blog post and beat level 142 of Candy Crush.

Yup, that'll do it.

Set your oven to 450

Prep your sheet pans

Cut some parchment paper to size, then oil it. Don't be shy, we really don't want these to stick.

Our pot/pan wasn't big enough to contain the 10 cups of water, so we halved the water and baking soda. This is 5 cups of water and a third of a cup baking soda. Bring this to a rolling boil.

Lightly oil your work surface, then put your pretzel dough on it.

I used my pizza cutter to cut the dough into 8 approximately equal dough balls.

Roll a snake

Cross the ends

Twist em

Then bring em down. Easy as pie.

Place them on your prepped sheet pans while they await their baths. Make whatever shapes you want. This is kitchen anarchy, yo.

Make hubs deal with putting the pretzels, one by one, into the boiling baking soda solution.

Keep them there for 30 seconds.

Make your egg wash using an egg yolk and a tablespoon of water.

Oh yeah, That's good.

Brush your egg wash on your steaming pretzels. PS RIP peace sign pretzel. 

I don't have pretzel salt, so I used kosher salt. I have no regrets.

Ready for the hot box!

Bake until a rich mahogany color. 12-14 minutes. I swapped pans halfway through the cook time so that the top rack wasn't left burnt and the bottom pale. It was a very good choice.

OMG DON'T THESE LOOK AMAZING

Letting these cool for the required 5 minutes hurt my soul. Deeply.

SOON.

These were delicious! They looked and tasted exactly like the pretzels I've enjoyed while in Germany. Better than any of the ones I've bought as concession stands, where they tend to always taste stale and soapy. The recipe was pretty easy, with the only semi-stressful portion being the water/baking soda bath, and though the process takes a bit, it's definitely nowhere near as nerve-wracking as folding egg whites into something. 

Pair with mustard, marinara, or cheese sauce. Or just stuff them all in your face. No judgement here. You could do cheese pretzels, cinnamon sugar, rosemary and garlic.... it's like pizza. You can put prettymuch whatever you want on these and it's still going to be fantastic. Also, try making sticks, nuggets, or dinosaurs while shaping them, but keep in mind that any thin spots on the dough will probably break while in the bath. People who left reviews said that these also made delicious pretzel buns, so keep that in mind.

Imma go eat my pretzels now.

Nomnomnomnomnom,

Katie.

Store Bought Hair Treatment!

We're no longer going to speak of the massive failure that was the home made hair mask. It was gross and a mistake.

Instead, we're going to talk about something I bought at the store! SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Pre-treatment, banana free hair.

I bought this one. Mostly because I love Paul Mitchell's tea tree products. This sells for about $18 on Amazon, but I got mine at the Commisary for about $15

I don't know what these little beads are supposed to do, but I like them. I started with this amount, but ended up using about 3 blobs of this size to get all of my hair.

After applying, put your hair in a bun to keep it out of your eyes, then relax and shave your legs or whatever. Keep it in for about 15 minutes before rinsing well. NOTE: You really want to keep this out of your eyes. You know that extreme cold of chewing mint gum and then drinking ice water? Imagine that, only it's your eye. Less pleasant.

Post-treatment, my hair was super soft, smelled fresh and minty, and it didn't leave my hair greasy or oily like some conditioners do. Also, I have a dinosaur necklace on. We should mention this.

This product was kinda pricey considering you only get 7 oz in a bottle, but since I ended up using about an ounce, and use the product once a week, I'm getting almost 2 months worth of product, and spending around $2 per treatment. If you really want to extend the life of the product, use a half and half mix of it with your regular conditioner.

Yeah the homemade mask was only pennies, but having bananas in your hair is GROSS. Personally, this is worth it to me.

Also, here's a picture of Bear Grylls creepin on me in the shower.

CAN I HELP YOU!? NO!? FINE.

Books You Need To Read

Basically, they're my favorite books and I'm genuinely upset that when I reference them around you that you don't get it.

I don't intend to read mostly female authors, but I do. Most of the chick-lit I've read by men is truly a struggle to read, because they just don't get it. Also, girl power!

1. Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella

This was one of my first forays into the world of chick-lit, and I probably read it for the first time when I was.... 11? 12? Sophie Kinsella (the pen name of Madeleine Wickham) is one of my favorite authors. She's published books under both names, and I devour all of them. More complex than your average chick-lit, but just a supremely satisfying author. Real talk, her book Twenties Girl made me cry. Like I was sitting with my family and all of a sudden I'm blubbering. Love love love love love. Fair warning, I'm sure lots of people won't understand the main character, Becky, and how she gets herself into the same situation over and over again, but I do. With just a bit less self-control, I could easily see myself getting into her mindset, which is why it's so important to read it. You'll become more self-aware with your spending, without her convenient happy ending.

2. World War Z by Max Brooks

Okay, so fair warning, I already know I'm going to freaking HATE the movie of this. Mostly because this book is done in the style of a report, where we get accounts from all over the world at various times during the war, from the very very beginning until the end. Now, I like Brad Pitt and whatnot, but unless he's James freaking Bond there is NO way he was all over the world during all the parts of this war. Like... no. However, if you don't want to sleep at night, read this. Legitimately terrifying. In fact, this is the kind of book that you put in the freezer. ("Friends" reference? Anyone? Oh. Okay.)

3. To The Moon and Back by Jill Mansell

Again, I have a huge book-crush on this author. I own almost everything she's written and I just love her. Likeable characters and I was legit sobbing in the first chapter of this book. I WAS AT WORK, AS A NANNY, WAITING FOR THIS KID TO GET HOME, AND HE COMES IN AND I'M CRYING. It was almost as bad as when I watched "Up" for the first time while I was babysitting. The first 5 minutes of that movie is the first chapter of this book. Quickly you're built up and then you're swiftly knocked onto your ass and you throw the book across the room. Mansell pulled a Tolken "red wedding" right away. Ugh. But the actual story is also totally worth the pain.

4. There's Cake In My Future by Kim Gruenenfelder

This woman needs a pen name. That last name is a freaking trip. Anywho, I loved this book. Whenever I can get a bunch of characters and storylines in one book, I instantly love it more. Sometimes multiple storylines can lead to a bit of a mess (I once spent half of a book completely confused regarding who was who and had to stop and start from the beginning), but this one pulls it off in a very "Love, Actually" kind of way. Oh and read her other books. You won't regret it. 

5. Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin

THE MOVIE FOR THIS OMFG PLEASE JUST DON'T BOTHER. I loved the characters in this book despite their flaws, but the movie just made all of them so.... shallow. Ethan isn't even IN AMERICA for crying out loud! Now, about the book, Giffin always challenges me with her characters, and this book is no different. Sometimes I understand them, and sometimes I hate their guts. However, she always has the outside "source of reason" character that asks all the questions you're thinking, and tells off the characters exactly like you would, which I love. If you're going to read this book, you NEED to read "Something Blue" by her, because it's basically a follow-up, only with Darcy, the "villain" so to speak, of this book. By the end of that book, everything comes full circle and you truly see her inner struggle. Read it. And the rest of her books, too.

6. One Day by David Nicholls

This is the only book on this list that I hate. "Katie, if you hate this book, why should we read it?" I'll tell you why. Because the main characters are awful people in totally different ways. The guy is basically a horrible human being with no redeeming qualities, and plays horrible games with the girl, who I also hate for being a spineless piece of crap. I literally shouted at these people "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!" multiple times. Once when I was reading at a Starbucks. I need you to read this book so that you can avoid dating either one of these people, because once you see them, you'll hate them. If you identify with either one of these people, you'll understand why people hate you.

This book is pretty much the literary (if I could even describe such whiny drivel as "literary") version of "The Ring", where you have to show it to someone else so that they understand how awful people are. They're not perverts or rapists, not thieves or con artists, but in a way they're worse. Because there's no law against wallowing in self-pity or being a prick.

7. Thin, Rich, Pretty by Beth Harbison

Beth Harbison just gets me. I love her. I love everything I've ever read by her. Again, it's separate story lines executed with perfection. Easily relatable and surprisingly likeable characters, plus her books are based in the Washington, DC area! Like, I KNOW THESE PLACES. All of her books are, which just makes it that much better to me. Her books are like my mom's chocolate chip cookies. Delicious, remind me of home, and over way too fast. Divine.

8. The Social Climber's Handbook by Molly Jong-Fast

I'm going to be straight with you right now, this book is MESSED UP. Like, mostly I'm suggesting some light chick-lit, beach reads, happy endings. THIS ISN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL. You kinda hate all the characters in it, because basically everyone is a sociopath, and the whole time you're like WHAT JUST HAPPENED. Don't read this at the beach unless the person next to you doesn't mind you saying "YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST WENT DOWN IN THIS BOOK" because they'll be like "shut up I'm working on my tan." Just.... read it. You'll see. No spoilers. Just read it.

9. Chasing Venus by Diana Dempsey

Honestly, this is the book I just finished. Her books are a mix of chick-lit, romance, and mystery, which makes me supremely happy. They're so easy to read. You start reading, thinking "oh I'll read a chapter before I start making dinner", then all of a sudden it's 3 hours later, your house is completely dark, you're starving, and you've gotten nothing done. One of the problems I have with her writing is that there are a few love scenes, but they're just utterly boring and predictable. Too romance novel-esque. However, the storyline is amazing, so it's still worth it.

10. The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger

I'm going to admit to you that this is one book where the movie actually does it justice. Of course some chunks of story got cut, certain situations manipulated, and a random gay friend who definitely wasn't in the book, but I really enjoyed both equally. The book is more complex, a bit more gritty, but no one wants to see grit in a movie like that. Both are worth your time, and her other books are just as good as this one. Love her.