Weddings! Specifically, Your Role As Bride

Heck yeah, we're talking about weddings. Specifically, your role as bride.

Here's your role: Be a bubbly, beautiful, and radiant. 

That's it. Sure you need to mingle, dance, pose for pictures, make a toast and cut a slice of cake, but that's it. Your mind should be full only of wedded bliss and how freakin hot your man looks in a suit. On my wedding day, I just kinda floated around on a cloud. Laughing, seeing my family, eating cake. In fact, the only decision I made that day was to serve the top layer of the cake, since I sure as hell wasn't freezing it and moving it 1,000 miles to Florida.

Man up and delegate. If you've ever watched Bridezillas (and I have) you'll notice the pattern of brides being taken out of the moment of their wedding by refusing to delegate anything and then wondering why everything is going wrong. It's also because they think they can find a florist 3 days before their wedding, but let's focus on the delegation portion.

You think we have a maid of honor because we're lonely up there at the altar? No. It's so that everyone knows the bride has given this person power. That way when they tell the photographer to make sure to get pictures of specific people, or making sure the caterer knows to tell certain people which dishes are vegan, or telling the staff that the bathroom is out of paper towels, that those people listen. "Hey, I'm the maid of honor and the bride needs this" makes people listen. Meanwhile, you're sitting around drinking mimosa's and admiring how good you look. Because it's your wedding day, dammit.

Now, depending on the size of your wedding, you'll need more than just your maid of honor to do things for you. I had my type-A, naturally bossy and slightly abrasive neighbor (my family knows who this is) be in charge of making sure I did things when they needed to be done and fix any flaws before I saw them. She loved having a role, even if it was behind the scenes, because she knew it was important to me. When you're writing your thank you notes (and no, you don't have a year, you have like maybe 6 months) to thank them for doing this as well. 

If your family is slightly volatile, assign someone as a bouncer. Do not make this person a blood relative, as it could result in future family feuds. Remember that really big, kinda scary guy who was actually just a big teddy bear on the inside that you went to college with? Invite him, give him his duty of bouncer, then warn your family that if they get out of control that this guy will escort them calmly and quietly outside. Both instigator and retaliator will be ejected and not allowed back in. Also, if people get way too drunk and start getting too sloppy, same treatment. Make sure you send the bouncer an effusive thank you note and give him whatever present you gave the groomsmen. He should also be allowed to attend the bachelor party. Remember, he's the man that could prevent a brawl at your reception and stop you from becoming a total cliche. 

Make sure you delegate someone to get your bags, makeup, and whatever food you're leaving with into the getaway car or dropped off at your hotel room. You'll also need someone to make sure the groom has his wallet, because he'll almost definitely need it at some point.

The best man, father of the bride, or trustworthy family member/friend should be put in charge of paying off the vendors at the end of the night. Give them labeled envelopes with the tips, final payments, and whatever else. For example, an envelope with the final payment and tip for the DJ. Make all the envelopes and write the checks a few days before the wedding and give the envelopes to the delegated person on the day of. They'll need to be somewhere safe, so make sure you trust this person not to misplace them.

Honestly, I don't know how anyone has a wedding without a wedding planner. I didn't really have one, but my caterer was amazeballs and also took care of all the rentals and my flowers. They served, tended bar, set up, took down, cleaned up, and were worth every single solitary penny. Keep in mind, I had a wedding in downtown Annapolis, all for under $15,000. Which usually barely covers the cost of the venue. It wasn't fancy, but it felt like us.

I had tons of nightmares in the months leading up to my wedding. There was one where I only had a dress but no caterer or flowers, one I missed my reception, and in one I was painting my nails in my wedding dress. These are totally normal, and doesn't indicate at all that you're not ready to get married. Planning any big event is stressful, and your wedding is no different. However, look at what the nightmares are about, it's probably the thing you're not as prepared for as you should be. After the panic of not having a caterer, I booked one later that week. The others were mostly superficial, but some had a root of something real, that could actually be fixed.

Also, you know how every magazine is all "GET A FLAT STOMACH, GET A BIGGER BUTT, THIGHS, CALVES ALL THE WORKOUTS EVER!!!"? Yeah, well I'm here to tell you that they're all lies. LIES. Wanna know how many people saw my thighs in my wedding dress? Zero. I wore a corset and the most heavy-duty pair of spanx I've ever encountered. My stomach was flat, my butt didn't jiggle and my thighs were nice and smooth, all because of my undergarments. The only things you can't cover in spandex are your arms and back. Focus only on these. If you want more of a booty, get a padded fake butt. If you think that's cheating, stop wearing padded bras, because it's exactly the same thing.

Your wedding will turn out beautifully. It will. Seriously, it'll be fantastic. Why? Because at the end of the day, you're now married. The cake, flowers, and dress don't follow you into your marriage. At no point will you get a break from the universe because you had a lovely wedding. It won't hold off your first fight, won't make your future children any smarter, and it won't make the fact that they constantly close all your tabs any less irritating. It's just a day like any other day. 

Also, seek comfort in the fact that if it all goes to hell in a handbasket, you can just wait a few years and renew your vows and have a take two. I once spent a solid half hour curled up in the fetal position chanting this to myself. 

This should be you. Happy and silly and in love.

I loved my wedding, but the introvert in me wasn't upset to drive off.

During my reception! See how I'm unconcerned? Delegation at work.

Pictures courtesy of Tara Peddicord Photography (who by the way if you live in Annapolis is totally amazing)

Enjoy the hell out of your day! I'm also the maid of honor in two weddings set for 2014 and 2015, so stay tuned!