Cleaning Your House- The Infinite Cycle of Suck

I'm unashamed to say that every single time I clean my house, it's because we're having company over or my dirty laundry has overflowed from my room into public areas. My kitchen, however, gets a scrub down at least 3 times a week and my dishwasher is run about 5 times a week. Messes that create bugs I refuse to tolerate.

However, it needs to be done. Yup, it doesn't matter that you just swept these floors 3 FREAKING DAYS AGO, because your white socks turn gray-brown by days end with brand new grime. That you have to sweep up. AGAIN. Your empty dirty laundry basket remains a hollow victory, as by days end you still put at least a pair of undies and some socks in there, and you know it's only a matter of time until you'll be sorting them into loads yet again.

The right tools can make these loathsome tasks ever-so-slightly less infuriating, so I'm going to share what you need to buy to clean your whole house (because even though the entire thing was spotless LAST WEEK, it's a hot mess once again).

BROOM

In a perfect world, I'd have one for inside, and one for my porch. Hubs insists that I cut his hair with clippers, and this bi-weekly chore happens on the screened in porch to prevent hair getting all over my house. Afterwards, he goes inside, grabs the broom, and sweeps up. Later, when I use that broom, I notice all these teenytiny hairs embedded in it that dislodge while I'm sweeping the living room, and it bugs the hell out of me. But I don't have two brooms, and sweeping is the only way to get the big stuff up off the floor before I use the Swiffer with a dry cloth, so that I can mop. Floors are evil. You're also going to need a dust pan that you'll grow to hate. 

SWIFFER BROOM/MOP STICK

So for a while I convinced myself I could totally get by with just a mop and broom. Well, I was dead wrong. Horrifically, mind-blowingly wrong. When I finally caved and bit the $15 bullet for the starter kit and 30 extra dry cloths, I instantly felt better. I got home, swept up with my broom (because if you don't sweep before you use this, you'll be pushing around a big pile of mess and making life way harder for yourself) and then put the Swiffer to work. The amount of dust, dirt, and cat hair I collected made me shudder. No WONDER my socks got gross so fast! Most of the floors in my house are wood, so I don't use the wet cloths on them. However, I love them for the tile in my kitchen, side hallway, and bathrooms. I'm not sure if they have special ones for wood floors, but I use an off-brand Bissell Freedom Mop with wood floor cleaner in it on the rare occasion I make the effort.

VACUUM

I have only wood floors and tiles. I still need a vacuum. Why? Because I own a couch and other upholstered items, all of which get covered in cat hair, debris, and sand. (I live half a mile from the freaking beach and yet I still find sand EVERYWHERE. I DON'T EVEN GO TO THE BEACH. WHERE IS THIS SAND COMING FROM.) Also, there was an occasion when I thought I found a flea on Puma. I didn't care that she was up to date on her flea meds, I cleaned the entire house from top to bottom, vacuuming all the furniture, bleaching all the sheets and towels not in the closet, and even vacuuming our mattress and pillows. It's what I use to get stray cat litter that collects around the box, because sweeping it up is a pain in the butt. 
Vacuuming is also the only sane way to clean underneath your appliances and your refrigerator coils. Carpet, obviously needs to be vacuumed, as do your rugs. Always own a vacuum.

SWIFFER DUSTER

This is really looking like an ad for Swiffer, but honestly, they're like flying first class, only it only costs $20. I'm super allergic to dust, so I like to use methods that don't let the dust touch my hands (resulting in a really weird rash) and don't let the dust go into the air (making me sneeze until my next shower). The 360 duster lets me get to the tops of the ceiling fan without getting my face in it, and it doesn't make a mushroom cloud of dust. It's also the easiest way to dust blinds, electronics, sconces, and bookcases. 

TOILET BRUSH

Don't you dare buy those little single use, flush-able ones. My Swiffer is one of my very few frivolous  disposable cleaning supplies. Put on your rubber gloves that are used only to clean the bathroom, and scrub your toilet. Bleach it in a bucket afterward if you must, but honestly, your toilet bowl isn't THAT gross. Your, plunger, however, is gross and needs to be bleached after every use. Because that touches poop. Your toilet brush should NEVER BE TOUCHING THAT. If it is, you're doing it wrong.

SPONGES

So many sponges. I have one for cleaning the outsides of toilets, one for the shower/bath, one for the sink, and one for the kitchen. I sanitize them in the dishwasher regularly, and they last a really long time. Once they look super dingy or smell after they come out of the dishwasher, toss them. Or use them to clean the litterbox. Your call.

PAPER TOWELS

I use these for mirrors and windows only. Almost everything else can be done with a sponge. Just keep a roll next to the Windex. Speaking of Windex....

A BUCKET

Fill it up with bleach and water to clean your plunger, or really to soak anything else without filling up your entire bathtub. When it's not in use, you can use it to store your other cleaning supplies. It's always good to have a bucket.

ACTUAL BOTTLES OF THINGS YOU SHOULD BUY

I find that I can do almost everything with Windex, Soft Scrub, Comet, Lysol, Murphy's Oil Soap, baking soda, white vinegar, and bleach. Windex is for the mirrors and windows, Soft scrub for bath/shower, Comet in the toilet bowl, Lysol for the kitchen and bathroom counters, Murphy's Oil Soap for anything wood, baking soda and vinegar for cleaning the disposal, and bleach for yucky things. REMEMBER TO NEVER MIX AMMONIA AND BLEACH. EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. IT'S SUPER TOXIC AND BAD NEWS BEARS.

THINGS I'LL PROBABLY CLEAN.... SOMEDAY

I have yet to clean certain things in my house. The insides of my cabinets, for example. I've never taken things out, vacuumed and dusted, and put things back. Am I supposed to ever clean my laundry baskets? What about the outsides of my washer and dryer? Do those needs to be cleaned? Maybe I should shake out my shoe organizer from time to time. Cleaning the oven always sounds like such a chore, and it always makes the entire house smell. I've heard of people waxing/buffing their floors, but since I know you can only do it on certain kinds of floors or something, why bother. I'm sure if I had a team of cleaning people come in every day, they'd eventually clean all these things for me, but until then, I'm probably going to ignore these things. Also, I'm watching the episode of Sex and the City right now where Miranda gets Magda, and I would totally have a maid if I could have Magda. She brings her little gifts, and eventually becomes a nanny for Brady, and I love her.


Happy cleaning!

Pets: Or how to cool down baby fever with an adorable animal

Now, I'm a traditional pet person. By traditional, I mean cats, dogs, and most things small and fluffy. I don't trust birds, ferrets, and reptiles. If you're looking at this thinking "well screw you, my parrot is awesome" then go you. Don't hire me as a pet sitter for it unless you want it to learn to say bad words.

I'm going to give you what I'm going to call the three levels of responsibility, and what type of pet you're ready for if that's where you are. Ready? Cool.

Level 1: Ain't nobody got time for that

So you're a busy person. You leave the house early, come home late, sometimes leave for an entire week, and don't really have time to water your plants, but still want something around and alive for you to love.

In this case, I'd say you have two options. Get a boyfriend, or get a hamster. Hamsters are pretty easy pets to keep, and you can offer a neighbor kid $10 a day to come over to feed it, play with it, and check it's pulse. They're nocturnal, so they don't care where you go during the day, and no one judges you for keeping it in a cage 90% of the time.

Keep in mind, hamsters poop. You're going to have to clean their cage and change the bedding every week or so, and it's not a fun task. Now, you could totally give the neighbor kid $20 to do it, but it only takes about 20 minutes to do it, so suck it up and act like an adult. 

They're cheap to buy, feed, and rarely need a vet visit. Overall, a good starter pet. It's why your friends got one when they turned 9.

Level 2: I've got some time

Yay! You're taking care of your hamster like a champ, finally got those 9-5 hours locked in, and you like to eat dinner at home, with the occasional late night or weekend away. Congrats! You're a Level 2 now! AND IT'S A CAT!

Some people don't like cats. They say a cat doesn't come when you call, greet you at the door, or go on walks with you. Well..... that's kind of the point. The whole reason I love my cat Puma so much is that she does her own thing whether I'm there or not, eating from her bowl and doing her business in a litter box. She likes to cuddle me while I sit on the couch, sleep with me in bed, and waits patiently by the toilet while I shower. However, I can leave for the day and come back without feeling guilty for abandoning her.

This is a more invasive love. Your cat will destroy a few things, throw up on your couch, shed on everything you love, and cost more money than a hamster. Annual vet visits for shots and whatnot, monthly flea meds, kitty litter, and food aren't cheap. Your cat can also get sick, and then they'll have to go to the vet and possibly need medicine or surgery, neither of which are cheap or fun. There are pet health insurance plans, and you can certainly buy one. Me? I don't have one for Puma. She's always been healthy, happy, and adorable. Cats can live from 12-15 years, but my grandpa's cat Molly is 19 and showing no signs of stopping. Scooping their litter boxes is also kinda gross.

If you're not sure you have the time to spend with an energetic (meaning destructive) kitten, get your butt to a local shelter and get a cat. An older cat is also one of the only ways to get exactly the personality you want. My dad is a perfect example. He wanted a cat that would come greet him at the door, be happy to see him, and be playful and outgoing. At the time, my sister in law had a cat named Dobby who needed far more attention than she could give him with her frequent deployments with the Navy and was feeling massive guilt over it. Well, I played matchmaker, introduced my dad and Dobby, and now those two are peas in a pod. Dobby is so happy that my dad comes home every night, and my dad is happy to have him to go home to. The people at the shelter will be able to match you with exactly the cat personality you want, and you'll be saving their life.

Level 3: I've got so much time, maybe I should have a baby!

So you've reached level 3! Go you! Dang, even I'm not at level 3 yet. You like your cat, but just cuddling and playing aren't satisfying your emotional needs anymore. Your days are now on a regular schedule, and you're thinking maybe baby. Wanna know what's way better as a practice? A puppy!

My sister, Andrea, got a puppy when she moved to Florida. That girl has been fighting baby fever for years, and since she wasn't yet engaged, her and Brian instead plopped down $2,500 and got his dream dog, an English Bulldog puppy they named Meaty. Now, I've spent some time with Meaty. He was so cute I almost died. His wrinkly little face covered in soft, velvety fur, floppy ears, big brown eyes and wiggly, pudgy body were enough to make me seriously contemplate stealing him when I left. 

Then I spent some more time with him. He was still a puppy, so he had to go outside every hour to pee and whatnot, or else he'd pee in the house. Putting on a leash on his wiggly body was hard, and then he'd try to attack it when he wasn't yanking on my arm attempting to chase a frog. Even then, he'd still sometimes spend 20 minutes sniffing around, only to pee on the tile once he came inside. Training is a huge ordeal, and putting a chew toy in his mouth every time he tried to teeth on my hand was annoying. He has to get walked every day to keep him in shape and curb destructive tendencies, plus crating him before we left the house, and then not being able to leave for too long because he needed to go out and pee AGAIN. Even in the middle of the freaking night. 

Andrea is a nurse and Brian works in sales, so they're not home all day. My mom is a student in an online university, and has become my sisters doggy day care. Lucky for my sister, my mom is fine with this, however my mom is also happy when the dog goes home.

I've known many people who love their dogs, and are more than happy to put in the time, money, and energy to raise one. I'm not exaggerating about the money part. Dogs are expensive. Obedience school, toys, vet bills, food, flea and heartworm meds, dog sitters, kennel fees,and replacing what they will inevitably destroy add up. And depending on the breed, the cost of ownership can range from moderate to outrageously expensive. There are also so many different breeds of dog to choose from it's hard to know where to start. Apartment buildings, neighborhoods, cities, counties, states, and even countries can also have breed restrictions, meaning your 80 lb pitbull might be allowed where you live now, but it might not be welcome if you move to the UK, or even Miami.

Choosing to own a dog takes a ton of research, money, time, and energy, and everyone in the household should be prepared to handle this responsibility. That's why it's level 3. 

Hope you guys enjoyed this post and keep in mind that I'm not an expert. I've said before, don't be dicks. 

Living Together- It's not all rainbows and unicorns

So you’re moving in with your significant other. Gay, straight, or other, this is an eye-opening experience. Now, I lived with Hubs for a couple months in France, but we also had 4 housemates, which took the pressure off. There were people around who would clean the dishes when we made dinner, replaced the toilet paper in the bathroom, and paid the bills. Anything we did wrong was immediately blamed on someone else. “No, I didn't leave the orange juice out all day. That was Jordan. You know how forgetful he is.” However, there was no one to blame when I did 3 loads of laundry using fabric softener instead of detergent, but the label was in French, it said “laver” and I figured I was okay. Life goes on.

Then after we got married we spent 3 months living in his parents’ house. Much the same as in France, there were siblings and parents to blame and rely on.

However, once we moved On Our Own, in Florida, I learned a valuable lesson. There will be a day where you realize everything your significant other does is wrong. They will load the dishwasher wrong, put your red pants in a dark denim load of laundry, put pasta in water that isn't totally boiling, neglect to set a timer for baked goods, and use the sponge you use for dishes to clean their car.

Regardless as to the results of these mistakes (it doesn't matter that the dark blue marks came out of the red pants, you still put them in with DARK FREAKING BLUE JEANS), they will bug the hell out of you. You’ll ask yourself what the hell he was thinking putting the ladle in the dishwasher that way, since now it’s completely full of gross water and needs to be washed AGAIN. He’s just LUCKY the pasta turned out cooked, because you know for a FACT it was barely boiling, not a rolling boil as the box told you it should be. The fact that your cookies aren't burnt is due to nothing more than dumb luck also. It doesn't matter that you can sanitize a sponge in the dishwasher, you’re not convinced it gets out the petrified dog crap and road grime, and you’re never using that sponge to do anything but clean toilets with again.

If you’re like me, you will completely overreact, have a total hissy fit, and wonder if the man you married wasn't dropped on the head as a baby one too many times. Doors will be slammed, arguments shouted, and pillows will be screamed into. Growing pains are completely normal.

There will also be blissful moments, hours, and days where you look at them in awe. You’ll come home from a long, crappy day, and they’ll greet you with a glass of wine, and then tell you to go take a bath and change into sweats while they cook dinner. Afterwards when you’re full and sleepy, they’ll tuck you in on the couch in front of your guilty pleasure show, and go off and clean the kitchen. While you’re drifting off to sleep that night, you’ll wonder how you ever even functioned without that person. All memories of their screw-ups will be temporarily erased, and they are completely perfect.

Face it, your significant other is not perfect. Neither are you. You've burnt things, made a massive mess, and made a complete ass of yourself. They’re aware of your flaws and have probably shouted about it, too. But they also lie down at night, cuddle up to you, and wonder how on earth someone as amazing as you ended up with a fool like them.

The moral of the story is this; you’re not perfect, your significant other isn’t perfect, and life isn’t perfect. However, there are lots of perfect moments, and that’s what makes it all worth it.

Random Things You Need Now That You're an Adult

Okay, let’s say you’re married. You now own a gravy boat, plates, bowls, towels, flatware, and even some pretty champagne glasses. Plus that random serving platter you definitely didn’t register for, but now own anyway. Registries are AWESOME and there will be a whole other blog post about them.

Now let’s say you’re like my sister and moved somewhere and don’t own much. You own a pan, 2 pots, mismatched flatware, and approximately 4 plates. If you know you’re going to register for your nice things later, get yourself to the Goodwill. It won’t match, be new, or even be something you like very much, but you’re going to donate them back later anyhow. There’s no way to make paper plates and red plastic cups “whimsical” or “eclectic”. It’s trashy and you know it.

Actually, more on the Goodwill later, but for now, let’s get on with this, because I’m almost 200 words in and we’re barely into the meat of this post.

Remember, I don’t know you or your life, so don’t be a dick and just take this gold I’m giving you and glean out what you can use. Okay? Awesome. Now I’m just going to give some really big ticket items I needed, and how best to go about buying them. Be gentle with me, I’m new.

A WASHER AND DRYER

When we first moved, we had never laid eyes on even a picture of the place we were going to be living, so we didn’t really know what to expect. Neither one of us anticipated that we would need to buy a washer and dryer, nor did we have any idea how to go about buying one. First thing I did was call my mom hyperventilating. The second thing I did was look up how much they cost. Third, I cried over the hit my credit card was going to take. Finally, I accepted my fate and started comparison shopping. Now, I waited for a Columbus Day sale to start actually entering stores, that way the big price tags had satisfying red slashes and I had reassuring advertisement everywhere telling me I was going to save money. Then I found an older woman, told her what I needed, and bought the Consumer Reports “Best Buy” set. They were a good size, could stack if I needed it to, and were energy efficient. They were also $1,350 at the end of the day. Other people have found some really nice scratch-and-ding models and even a few nice sets on Craigslist. If only you could register for them.

Also, laundry baskets must be something you accumulate over time, because my parents had like 10 of them, and yet when I moved I only had one. Doing multiple loads of laundry and having only one basket is awful, especially when your laundry room is down a large flight of stairs, in a shared basement.

CLEANING SUPPLIES

This includes the following: sponges, mops, brooms, plungers, toilet brushes, buckets, cleaning gloves, and products. Few things are more awkward than a mop handle sticking 2 feet further than the front of the cart. Also, fact is, you’re never going to need Windex, Pledge, Comet, Lysol, Dawn, and bleach all at the same time again, and even though they’re cheap individually, altogether they’re a good chunk of change. But you really really REALLY need them. All of it. Right now.

TRULY RANDOM OBJECTS

The most mind-boggling of these things was the moment I realized I didn’t have a dish drying rack. I hadn’t realized how much I’d taken this simple object for granted until I didn’t have one. Nor did I realize I didn’t own a corkscrew until the wine glasses were already out. For months the only tape we owned was packing tape, and the only reason I now own regular tape is because my mom gave me a 3-pack for Christmas. A stapler, paperclips, extension cords, an air mattress, Tylenol, pads and tampons, and even hangers are now as valuable to you as gold. Pencils and pens tend to get lost in the move, so now when your cable company calls you and wants you to remember something (because you’re an adult so the cable company calls YOU and not your parents) you’re forced to search high and low for something, ANYTHING, to write with. When it finally hits you that your only real option is to write it down in blood, you choose to lie, pretend to write down what they’re saying, then text your husband to pick up pens at the store while he’s there. You’re also going to need a shower curtain and those little hoops that keep it up.

FURNISHINGS

Now, depending on the generosity of family members, your needs for furniture can vary greatly. My sister got lucky and her fiance’s mom gave them a living and dining set, furnishing the two major public spaces. I was less fortunate. For three weeks Phoenix and I had a lawn chair that was in the back of my van in the living room, supplemented by an outdoor side table and lone wooden chair, both of which we purchased at our local Goodwill. Thankfully, my mother is a saint, and after driving her Camry 8 hours, brought us an ottoman. Switching cars, she took my van home, filled it with a chair-and-a-half, a coffee table, and a dining room table. We bought a nice sectional couch (new), some dining room chairs (thrift store), and a TV stand (Craigslist). But even once the big things are in place, it’s still kind of empty. Get yourself to Target and fill up a cart with throw pillows, blankets, clocks, vases, and maybe a wall decal if you’re feeling adventurous. Anything that makes your house feel more home-y.

HOW TO BUY SAFE THRIFT STORE FURNITURE

Ask yourself this question; is this something someone could have sex on? If no, you’re good to buy it, but it’s also probably a vase or something else that fits inside your dishwasher. If yes, ask yourself if there’s a cleaning method that can remove any and all ick factor. A wooden chair you could have sex on, although if you put some bleach on a sponge, wipe it down, you’d feel safe that you won’t catch herpes. This method removes most upholstered items, like couches and pillows. I’m not crafty enough to make new seat covers for chairs, but if you can, then buy some cute fabric and rehab the hell out of a ratty dining set.  Never ever buy a used mattress. Ever. Can you say bedbugs?

Feel free to make requests, ask questions, or just tell me I’m pretty.

Introducing Myself

Hi! So I'm Katie. I've never really blogged before, but when my best friend invited me to guest blog for her I realized I had tons of ideas. More about what I'll be writing about later, for now I'm sure you want to know who the hell I am.

As I said, I'm Katie. I'm only 20, and a newlywed. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, most of which were spent with him at the Naval Academy. For those who don't know, it's in Annapolis MD, which is where we're both from. We actually met while we were both in high school, and no one was more surprised that we stayed together through everything than I was. You'll hear all about what dating at the Academy was like at some point. Also, you'll hear about Navy life, which is basically a big bundle of uncertainty, acronyms, and some truly sexy uniforms.

Anyway, now that he's graduated, it's time to start Real Life as an Adult. I'm starting out in Pensacola Florida.

Some major players are going to be heavily mentioned/featured here, so you should know who they are.

My mom, Jennifer. She lives in Tampa near with my sister. Awkward moment, my parents got divorced a couple years ago, so we're kinda starting over at the same time. Which is nice. It also leaves her almost no room to judge, which I love. Her cooking is divine, her cleaning tips wonderful, and is always willing to FaceTime with me when I'm in the middle of an "I'm not at all prepared to handle this" scenario. Woman cannot craft or sew to save her life, but her Christmas cookie table is a work of art.

My older sister, Andrea. Also living in Tampa, she's engaged (wedding in April 2014), working as a nurse, and has an adorable English Bulldog named Meaty. This girl has called me from 1,000 miles away to ask where something was in the refrigerator. Until recently her cooking was limited to breakfast, but she's learning. We're also trying to teach her to eat more leafy greens. However, she's also pretty crafty.

My best friend, Shannon. She's still in Annapolis (lucky) and in college. After blogging for about 2 years, she's gotten me totally into it, hence this blog I'm writing now. Engaged and planning on a wedding in 2015, we are basically soul mates. Her fiance is my husbands best friend, and it's AWESOME. 

My husband, who we're going to refer to as Hubs. At times I am completely dazzled by him for being so incredibly awesome, like when he made perfectly cooked salmon over a campfire in the rain, but then he goes and puts my red jeggings in with the blue jeans, getting blue splotches all over the back, that I'm fairly certain he's a total idiot. He's also my rock and I have no idea what I would do without him. Secret talents include sewing, ironing, and cat taming.

My cat, Puma. She's 5, completely insane, and also the cutest cat on the planet. We call her our relationship cat, since she was born right about when we started dating. Her hobbies include shredding $4 flip flops, sleeping on clean laundry, and begging for food while we're in the kitchen. About the begging, we feed her meat; lunch meat, chicken, turkey, bacon, tuna, flounder, beef... often directly from the cutting board or package, so now we have to show her if we're cutting fruits or veggies before she'll believe it's not meat. Phoenix and I are both completely obsessed with her.

Then there's me. I'm super messy, don't like cleaning, but am a damn good cook. Since we've moved I've purchased 5 different herb plants, and each one of them have died. Hobbies include buying in bulk, cheesemaking, and attempting to create an image of being an adult to the world.

This blog is going to be varied. I'll be giving tips on wedding planning, married life, cooking, cleaning, and the weird things no one really says about becoming a Real Adult, like how hard and confusing and expensive it is.

See you soon!