DIY Hair Mask!

My hair... it's a love/hate relationship. I hate it long, I hate it short, I hate how thick it is, I hate that it cannot decide if it's curly or straight, and I hate that it's in my way all the time.

But I love it. It's naturally blonde, thick, and generally enviable. I keep it long partially because I'm too lazy to get it cut more than once every six months, and also because it's easiest to put in a bun when it's long, and a bun is how I keep it out of my way.

Lately my hair has been a bit frizzy (thank you, weird springtime 90% humidity) and generally not up to snuff. So, since I can spot an attack of insomnia that meant I wasn't going to go to sleep until at least 2 a.m., I decided to do a homemade hair mask. Full disclosure, I don't recommend starting this process after 10 p.m. It was the first of many mistakes I made on that fateful night.

An Instagram picture of me having pretty hair.

Step One: Google it.

Because I'm generally unprepared for most things, I wasn't surprised that I didn't have what almost all hair masks call for- honey and avocado. After a weird amount of research, I decided I wanted to combine the effects of a few different masks, and make one with banana and mayo, mostly because I owned them both.

Step Two: Brush your hair well

Somewhere I gleaned that you should usually do masks on dry hair, and to ensure even coverage and general good grooming, you should make sure your hair is free of knots and tangles. My hair is constantly a rats nest, so this took me a bit, and resulted in a shocking amount of hair in my brush.

Note hubs' very fancy old speakers 

Step Three: Make your mask

I mushed up my almost-rotten banana, then added about half a cup of mayo (and yeah, it's light mayo, but that's all I eat on the few occasions I use mayo). After much mushing, I wasn't confident I had enough goop, so I added an egg since I read that it was also good for hair. This was one of many questionable decisions I made.

Banananananana

Stop trying to be modern, mayo packaging. It's awkward for everyone.

Looking back, using a yellow bowl wasn't good in terms of pictures. You guys still love me, right?

Step Four: Apply it

First, for the love of all that is good, take your shirt off. Even I could tell that this was going to be a mess. I sectioned off my hair into random, seemingly manageable chunks, but if your hair is thin, you could probably get it all in one go.

Seemingly manageable?

goop

I just kinda grabbed some goo and slopped it on. This was kinda messy, but I was alone and it was late, so I didn't really care that much. It'd be way easier to do with a friend, because the back of your head is damn near impossible to see.

Approximately a thousand years later, my whole head was covered in a weird, slightly chunky goo that smelled like I'd tried to make egg salad with banana. I kinda sculpted it into a bun on the top of my head, secured it with an elastic, and called it a day.

Time to Internet!

Fun fact: This hair mask will attract cats. You've been warned.

Step Four: Wait

I was originally going to wait for thirty minutes, but I instead spent an hour and a half on Buzzfeed.com and sooooo yeah. I'm not sure if the cat gif's helped with the hair mask. I'd still highly recommend them during the process.

Step Five: Rinse, rinse, rinse, lather, rinse, lather, rinse, lather, rinse

This was when I first realized the fatal flaw I made in step three. Somehow, I failed to realize that teeny tiny chunks of banana basically turn into super glue once they touch your hair.

Honestly, it felt like I was using all of Niagra Falls just to get this out of my hair, and for the first 10 minutes I had to use barely warm water, since I didn't want to cook the egg in the mask before I had a chance to get rid of it. Wasn't this supposed to be a luxury? It felt way more like work.

Step Six: Get out of the shower, begin to comb hair, and get back into shower

Or do what I did and just do that twice. Why, you ask? Because I kept finding freaking tiny little pieces of banana. At this point, I was actually tired, it was getting a bit too close to 1 a.m. to still be doing this, so I dried my hair, put my PJ's on, put a towel on my pillow to prevent any excess banana in my bed, and fell asleep.

Bear Grylls needs mucho post-shower love.

Step Seven: Brush your hair again once it's dry

Very early morning hair. So pretty, yet full of bananas.

Step Eight: Take a moment to realize just how much tiny old pieces of banana look like boogers, then gag that all these little not-boogers are in your lap

Step Nine: Wash your hair again

Step Ten: Go to the store and buy some deep conditioner because you quit

Yup. Thing is, had I put the whole mixture in the blender instead of doing it by hand, this whole process could've been much easier. But cleaning the blender is a huge pain in the butt, and I didn't really make enough of it to make the elaborate process seem worth it. Again, if you do this with a few friends, it'd be easier to blend up a big batch of it. Alone, not so much.

End result was that my hair was essentially the same as before, only slightly drier from all the shampooings, and filled with small pieces of decomposing organic matter.

I'll do a review of the hair mask I did buy.

You guys are more than welcome to tell me your at-home beauty tips, and I'll try them and even follow the directions. Pinky swear.

About the lasagna....

Here's the thing. Hubs and I were like "recipes are for chumps, we got this" and then I got caught up making mascarpone cheese for his homemade tiramisu (future blog about that forsure) and I forgot to be a good blogger and take pictures.

Good news is, the ricotta tasted really good (although it didn't really need to be squeezed). Bad news is, due to some poor choices in the spice cabinet, our lasagna tasted exactly like enchiladas. We think it was the addition of cumin. Fun fact: CUMIN MAKES EVERYTHING TASTE LIKE TACOS.

EVEN YOUR DELICIOUS LASAGNA.

Oh gawd there's a Michael Buble commercial on and I looooooove him.

Sorry guys, I've been sick (stomach flu) and I'm still a little dehydrated and loopy. I don't even know how I got it (I ate everything my sister and hubs ate and yet I still was the only one slowly dying at 2 a.m.).

This is really just a random update post. There's no good information here.

Speaking of information, I found a flea on Puma the other day, so I looked up non-bug-bomb solutions to the problem and wound up buying a 10 lb bag of diatomaceous earth (food grade) that apparently I'm supposed to sprinkle on everything (including the cats), wait for the fleas exoskeletons to be slashed up and the eggs to get all dead by the physical harm of the powder, then vacuum it. It's supposed to basically grind up their bodies and their eggs instead of gassing them with chemicals.

Sorry, I just don't buy that bug bombs are safe when they want me to have myself and my animals out of the house for 2 HOURS while it does it's thing, then open up all my windows to let the rest of the fumes out. Also, I'm supposed to keep closet doors open while I bomb everything, then I'm supposed to WEAR those clothes!? Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.

So later I'm going to wash all my sheets and everything in hot water, cover my furniture, mattress, floors, and even cats with this crap and it kills everything.

Has anyone ever tried this?

OH MY GAWD I FOUND THE GOWN LOOKS SO GOOD.

Okay, it's definitely time to stop. I'm sorry.

Please come back. Next post will be better, I swear.

I've spent most of the past 4 days curled up in the fetal position, in sweats, on my couch, cuddling my cats.

This has been my life. This and ginger ale.

Sorry this post kinda blows, but it was time for a post, and I gave it to you.

Up next, HOMEMADE TIRAMISU! 

We're Making Lasagna! Part 1: Ricotta

That's right my friends, we're making it OURSELVES.

Or at least I am. You could easily skip all of this post and just buy some at the store. But I already had an extra gallon of milk and a recipe I wanted to try, plus an afternoon/evening I wanted to waste.

SO WE MAKE.

Full disclaimer, I didn't realize I wanted to blog about this until I was like kinda already involved. So you don't get the full process, but really you missed me pouring an entire gallon of milk into a pot and measuring some vinegar. Nothing exciting. Also, this recipe is from "Make the Bread, Buy the Butter" by Jennifer Reese. It's good stuff.

First, pour your liquids (an entire gallon of milk and 3/4 cups of white vinegar) into a pot.

Moo juice

Not wine. 

Heat

Turn the heat on (I turned mine to 8), play a couple levels of Candy Crush, then when you turn around you'll be greeted with something that looks like THIS

Not even close to looking like milk anymore.

Next, set up your little draining rig for your curds and whey because that doesn't look pretty. Also, it's not "on the brink of a boil" yet, so just let it do it's thing.

I'm using my salad spinner so that I can save the whey. More on that later.

Next, figure out why your kitten is crying

CAN I HELP YOU!? NO!? FINE.

Once my pot got steamy and weirdly foamy, I figured it was done. Also, I was really bored and TBS was about to start playing Friends, so take it off the heat and set a timer for 20 minutes while it does more things you don't understand

Weirdly foamy and scary. MOVING ON.

Set your timer with technology/robots.

Now go watch TV and blog this. Conveniently, doing all of this will end EXACTLY when your timer goes off! Go you.

Go back to your kitchen and look into your pot.

Still inexplicably foamy.

Now ladle the solids into your beautiful draining rig, being careful to save the whey, because you're going to use that to make bread (yeah, you're sure as shit not going to throw away what feels like half a gallon of whey, USE THAT).

No whey! Haha, get it? Cheese pun!

Now put your collander-esque portion of the salad spinner in the sink to drain (because we have more than enough whey now).

Have a rest little cheese. You've earned it.

Okay since your pot is now weirdly coated in unidentifiable milk something, we should really soak it, right? Because we're RESPONSIBLE.

So gross. 

Okay, since it's doing it's thing, let's brochill, watch Friends, and eat a grapefruit. I didn't set a timer this time, so it's going to drain until this episode is over. Very scientific. 

Episode over, let's investigate MORE!

You look the same.

I added my own step of squeezing it out a bit more so that it didn't make my finished lasagne watery. So I did this!

Very gently squeeze it.

Wrap it up nice and tight so that it doesn't end up tasting like your fridge.

No fridge cheese today, sir!

Put it in a container and put that into the icebox (yes, I'm 90 years old) until you need it.

Soon.

Happy cheesemaking!

Sick Baby Bear (warning, graphic pet talk)

So Monday was not my best day. I didn't feel fantastic (I mean, I'd turned 21 the day before, so you do the math), but I had a pretty quiet day to look forward to.

Until all of a sudden around 1 pm, my house all of a sudden smelled AWFUL. Like, it smelled like shit. Literally, it smelled like cat shit. I played the worst game of Nancy Drew ever, then found a weirdly large pile of poop on the bottom corner of my robe. After cleaning it off, putting it in a hot, bleach, thrice rinsed load in the washing machine, my house still smelled.

That's when I found the pile in Bear's room. I called up the vet, and they were kind of rude, saying that because I didn't clean my cat boxes TWICE A DAY (does anyone do that?) it was his way of protesting. Well, maybe, but fact is, this wasn't a protest poo, this looked and smelled all wrong. So I bagged up about 3 oz of it, put that into another 3 layers of plastic, packed up Bear, and left for the vet.

My first priority was getting the sample testing for worms and parasites, because if Bear had a worm, Puma probably did too, so I'd need to treat both of them quickly before any further damage was done. 

I felt really bad for the vet tech. When he came in to ask about the poop, I wasn't very helpful. 

Tech: So how would you describe the stool?

Me: Well, it's super duper gross. It smells awful and it's soft and it's a weird color. It's really gross. Like a weirdly orangy soft poop.

Tech: Was there any blood in the stool?

Me: Dude, I almost threw up with the brief glances I took before bagging and tagging it, but I have some here with me, so you don't have to take my word on any of this.

Tech: Haha, okay.

Me: I mean I know you went to school for this and probably know all the right words to describe the poop. My sister's a nurse, she would know how to describe it. I don't know the poop words. I'm sorry.

Tech: Alright, well I'll take that sample from you and we'll test it.

Me: Thank you. I'm sorry. Also, I'm sorry it's so gross. 

So when it was time for the vet to come in, I guess I was already kinda given the title of "weird girl who doesn't really want to talk about the poop but keeps saying things" because luckily I was spared being asked the details of Bear's business.

I hadn't seen this vet before, but he was a tall dude, probably early thirties, and after making sure Bear wasn't dehydrated, started asking me questions about his behavior. I said he was still affectionate (kitten was investigating my face while I was saying this), eating and drinking, and seemingly his normal level of weird aside from the weirdly large piles of shit he was leaving in various corners of my home.

Also, I confided in the vet that I'm not fantastic about cleaning their litter boxes, but they literally just got a total changeout of litter and cleaning inside on Saturday. I also told him that Bear was super interested in human food, eating paper, attempting to eat plastic, and that at one point I found an entire strand of my hair in one of his poops. We hadn't changed his food, where his litterbox was, nothing. I asked if the index cards I know he likes chewing on and the excess roughage in his diet could be the cause of the problem.

The vet was lovely and didn't judge me. After reading this I wanted to be straight with him. He told me that Bear just had an upset stomach, could be something he ate, or just bad luck, then gave him a shot of steroids and sent me home with a little bottle of pills to give him until his poops are solid again. Also, since Bear still needs his last round of shots, as well as a rabies vaccine, I made sure to ask when it would be safe again for him to get them. Luckily, we'll only be a few days behind the schedule. I also asked to see if I needed anything for my other, older cat, and he said she shouldn't be at all affected by it, but if she had any symptoms to bring her in. For now I just needed to take Bear's food away until morning, give him his pills, and give him love.

I thanked the vet profusely for seeing me as a walk-in, and for being so understanding. I thanked everyone at the front desk (even the rude woman from the phone) for letting me take a walk-in appointment, because I know they're a pain in the butt, and thanks for not openly judging my cat as he wailed in his carrier in your waiting room, and for not openly judging my responses to it. Also, thank you for also finding the little joke I do with Bear funny. 

By the way, Bear's joke is that I say "Hey Bear, what does a cat say?" and then he meows and I cackle. 

Bear is now home, and seemingly a little sleepier than normal. But he didn't take any gross poops outside his litterbox last night, so I'm assuming he's feeling a little better.

Sorry for all the poop talk, but I mean, it's a little kitten, so shut up. IT'S MY BLOG.

Love you guys, and I'll write about something less gross soon.

Exercise.... Ugh.

Thing is, I really don't like to exercise that much. Unless I have somewhere I need to be or something I should be doing, I really enjoy reclining on the couch with a cat purring on my belly (as Bear Grylls is doing at this very moment).

Hubs on the other hand.... we honestly couldn't be more poorly matched in this regard. This is the guy who has run a marathon (A MARATHON). I've seen how twitchy and restless he gets when he doesn't run, so I do everything I can to encourage him without ever having to run with him. I let him spend some cash to run in races, and I wake my sleepy self up at like 5 am to drive him there. I park the car somewhere, fall asleep, pick him up when he's done, then drive his sweaty butt home. This works for us, because he says the worst part of most races is parking and fighting traffic, so I do all of that for him, while still being able to nap.

Hubs crossing the finishing line like a boss, obviously sweating profusely.

Lots of couples really like working out together, and if you're one of them then go you.

Day-to-day, we've developed a system. Mondays and Wednesdays the gym close to our house has a spin class and a Zumba class at the same time. He goes off to his spin class, while I go to Zumba. Sometimes my upstairs neighbor Mare comes with us and we do Zumba together. We're both kinda uncoordinated and lack rhythm, so this works really well for us. My one experience doing the spin class showed me how poorly ventilated that little room was, and the entire time I felt like I was a mere moment away from falling off that bike.

Once, on a rainy Saturday, hubs thought it would be a really good idea for us to play racquetball together. As it turns out, he was WRONG. During the course of our one-hour game I cried on three separate occasions. Once when the ball hit me in the face (reflexive crying), once when I ran into the wall (that was mostly embarrassment) and the third time when the ball managed to hit me on a major internal organ (this time I fell to the floor laughing at how horrible I was at this game). When I told my mom about all of this, she told me that once my dad had to get stitches because of his lack of coordination playing racquetball. I have yet to try again.

Instruments of destruction and pain.

In December we started doing a Par Course close to our house. Basically it's a trail that's about a mile long, with 18 "stations" that range from stretching, pushups, pullups, and even a balance beam. I ride my bike the mile roundtrip while hubs runs. The good thing about this is that we can jog the distance between the stations together while I do the "beginner par" and hubs does the "advanced par". He can do his zillion pushups and when I finish my ten, I sit and drink water. Unfortunately the arrival of spring has made doing this kind of outdoor activity my own personal form of pollen hell, so this might have to be something we only do in the winter.

I don't take pictures of us working out, so this is from our neighbor's "R" party a couple years ago. I was a rabbit, hubs was a rapper. This is us.

Keep in mind, I've never matched the workouts I managed in the 3 months before my wedding. But at that point I could chant to myself "the wedding pictures will last longer than the pain". I also used this chant during those months when I cut out pizza and ice cream. However, I looked damn good that day. Since I doubt my grandchildren will look back at the selfies I post on instagram, the motivation isn't there anymore. Oh well.

Most people, myself included, need a workout partner. Picking one is very difficult. They need to be at approximately the same fitness level as you, and be interested in doing a similar kind of workout. For example, two people who are just starting to work out is great, but if one wants to start running while the other would sooner chop off her feet than run, it doesn't work. Mare likes to jog, but since my jogging requires frequent breaks and a complete lack of motivation, we'd make crappy jogging partners (sorry). However, our husbands both enjoy running, and since they have a similar mile time, they do well together.

Oh, and to the people who don't like being "oogled" at the gym.... why the hell not? You probably look like crap, and yet someone is still checking you out? It makes me feel pretty good. In fact, the only time I even work out a little bit with Phoenix is because he constantly showers me with compliments and encouraging looks. I let him lead because I like looking at his butt while he runs. Don't try to touch me or talk to me, but a little up-down with your eyes is just fine by me. Hell, there was a dude in Zumba the other day and I'm not going to say I didn't enjoy his booty shakin. Just be cool about it. You're not an animal in heat, we're going for encouragement, not "look at me one more time and I swear on my mothers life I will taze the hell out of your nutsack".

No matter how you workout or who you do it with, have fun doing it! Try some of the machines, sign up for a few classes, and figure out which things don't make you want to kill yourself while you're doing it. I thought it was impossible until I found Zumba! Loud music and booty shaking is the best workout ever.

The shirt over head move is very important in Zumba.

To anyone else who takes Zumba... can you please explain to me the whole "Zumba pants" thing? They're like weird cargo pants and I don't know why I would need that many pockets while I'm dancing.

WHY? WHAT? YOU MAKE NO SENSE!

Until next time....

Weddings! Specifically, Your Role As Bride

Heck yeah, we're talking about weddings. Specifically, your role as bride.

Here's your role: Be a bubbly, beautiful, and radiant. 

That's it. Sure you need to mingle, dance, pose for pictures, make a toast and cut a slice of cake, but that's it. Your mind should be full only of wedded bliss and how freakin hot your man looks in a suit. On my wedding day, I just kinda floated around on a cloud. Laughing, seeing my family, eating cake. In fact, the only decision I made that day was to serve the top layer of the cake, since I sure as hell wasn't freezing it and moving it 1,000 miles to Florida.

Man up and delegate. If you've ever watched Bridezillas (and I have) you'll notice the pattern of brides being taken out of the moment of their wedding by refusing to delegate anything and then wondering why everything is going wrong. It's also because they think they can find a florist 3 days before their wedding, but let's focus on the delegation portion.

You think we have a maid of honor because we're lonely up there at the altar? No. It's so that everyone knows the bride has given this person power. That way when they tell the photographer to make sure to get pictures of specific people, or making sure the caterer knows to tell certain people which dishes are vegan, or telling the staff that the bathroom is out of paper towels, that those people listen. "Hey, I'm the maid of honor and the bride needs this" makes people listen. Meanwhile, you're sitting around drinking mimosa's and admiring how good you look. Because it's your wedding day, dammit.

Now, depending on the size of your wedding, you'll need more than just your maid of honor to do things for you. I had my type-A, naturally bossy and slightly abrasive neighbor (my family knows who this is) be in charge of making sure I did things when they needed to be done and fix any flaws before I saw them. She loved having a role, even if it was behind the scenes, because she knew it was important to me. When you're writing your thank you notes (and no, you don't have a year, you have like maybe 6 months) to thank them for doing this as well. 

If your family is slightly volatile, assign someone as a bouncer. Do not make this person a blood relative, as it could result in future family feuds. Remember that really big, kinda scary guy who was actually just a big teddy bear on the inside that you went to college with? Invite him, give him his duty of bouncer, then warn your family that if they get out of control that this guy will escort them calmly and quietly outside. Both instigator and retaliator will be ejected and not allowed back in. Also, if people get way too drunk and start getting too sloppy, same treatment. Make sure you send the bouncer an effusive thank you note and give him whatever present you gave the groomsmen. He should also be allowed to attend the bachelor party. Remember, he's the man that could prevent a brawl at your reception and stop you from becoming a total cliche. 

Make sure you delegate someone to get your bags, makeup, and whatever food you're leaving with into the getaway car or dropped off at your hotel room. You'll also need someone to make sure the groom has his wallet, because he'll almost definitely need it at some point.

The best man, father of the bride, or trustworthy family member/friend should be put in charge of paying off the vendors at the end of the night. Give them labeled envelopes with the tips, final payments, and whatever else. For example, an envelope with the final payment and tip for the DJ. Make all the envelopes and write the checks a few days before the wedding and give the envelopes to the delegated person on the day of. They'll need to be somewhere safe, so make sure you trust this person not to misplace them.

Honestly, I don't know how anyone has a wedding without a wedding planner. I didn't really have one, but my caterer was amazeballs and also took care of all the rentals and my flowers. They served, tended bar, set up, took down, cleaned up, and were worth every single solitary penny. Keep in mind, I had a wedding in downtown Annapolis, all for under $15,000. Which usually barely covers the cost of the venue. It wasn't fancy, but it felt like us.

I had tons of nightmares in the months leading up to my wedding. There was one where I only had a dress but no caterer or flowers, one I missed my reception, and in one I was painting my nails in my wedding dress. These are totally normal, and doesn't indicate at all that you're not ready to get married. Planning any big event is stressful, and your wedding is no different. However, look at what the nightmares are about, it's probably the thing you're not as prepared for as you should be. After the panic of not having a caterer, I booked one later that week. The others were mostly superficial, but some had a root of something real, that could actually be fixed.

Also, you know how every magazine is all "GET A FLAT STOMACH, GET A BIGGER BUTT, THIGHS, CALVES ALL THE WORKOUTS EVER!!!"? Yeah, well I'm here to tell you that they're all lies. LIES. Wanna know how many people saw my thighs in my wedding dress? Zero. I wore a corset and the most heavy-duty pair of spanx I've ever encountered. My stomach was flat, my butt didn't jiggle and my thighs were nice and smooth, all because of my undergarments. The only things you can't cover in spandex are your arms and back. Focus only on these. If you want more of a booty, get a padded fake butt. If you think that's cheating, stop wearing padded bras, because it's exactly the same thing.

Your wedding will turn out beautifully. It will. Seriously, it'll be fantastic. Why? Because at the end of the day, you're now married. The cake, flowers, and dress don't follow you into your marriage. At no point will you get a break from the universe because you had a lovely wedding. It won't hold off your first fight, won't make your future children any smarter, and it won't make the fact that they constantly close all your tabs any less irritating. It's just a day like any other day. 

Also, seek comfort in the fact that if it all goes to hell in a handbasket, you can just wait a few years and renew your vows and have a take two. I once spent a solid half hour curled up in the fetal position chanting this to myself. 

This should be you. Happy and silly and in love.

I loved my wedding, but the introvert in me wasn't upset to drive off.

During my reception! See how I'm unconcerned? Delegation at work.

Pictures courtesy of Tara Peddicord Photography (who by the way if you live in Annapolis is totally amazing)

Enjoy the hell out of your day! I'm also the maid of honor in two weddings set for 2014 and 2015, so stay tuned!

The 25 Things That Make Me Instantly Happy

Stolen from xoJane and pretty little thingamajigs, I'm going to share with you guys the things that just always give me joy, and I hope you'll make a list of your own, because it's just FUN. And also, no judging, because this isn't the regular internet, this is my blog, where everything is great and people are nice.

1. Hot, steamy showers, that I sit in while I read a book on my Kindle
2. When Puma checks on me while I'm in the bath, just poking her head in
3. Sharing pictures of my cat and kitten with people who really really want to see them
4. Kittens. And puppies. Just holding them
5. FaceTiming my mom and sister while I'm cleaning my kitchen and all three of us chatting about nothing
6. Skyping with Shannon for hours
7. New episodes of my favorite sitcoms
8. When my guess of an answer is right when I watch Jeopardy
9. Peeling the plastic off of new appliances and electronics
10. Pizza
11. Hearing the song I just was hoping to hear come on the radio
12. Grabbing the hubs' butt. Publicly or privately, that booty always puts a smile on mah face
13. Watching snow fall
14. Reading a brand new book by one of my favorite authors
15. Baking 48 cookies just so that I can smell them baking, instantly turning anywhere into home
16. Putting on sweatpants after a long day
17. The first sip of iced coffee in the morning. But it has to be made with coffee that was brewed the night before, poured over ice, and with 1% milk
18. Getting a little tipsy and dancing
19. A freshly cleaned, spotless kitchen
20. Tostito's lime chips
21. Root beer floats
22. My engagement ring
23. Emoji's
24. Taking off my shoes and socks after Zumba
25. Making lists

Make one. It helps.

http://www.prettylittlethingamajigs.blogspot.com this girl is legit, she was my babysitter back when I was living in the 'burgh. She did this and it's the reason I did it. And it felt really good. Do it! Now!

I'm a Waitress Now!

I'm not even going to get into the hiring process. Right now I'm just going to tell you the things I've had to suffer through thus far.

THE UNIFORM

Fun fact about me: I don't own a single white oxford shirt or a pair of black pants. I actually don't even own a black belt. Nor do I own black non-skid shoes or black socks.

Essentially, I didn't own a single element of the required uniform. Also, I was broke and didn't exactly have the cash to buy nice things (I mean... it's my SECOND job. Of course I'm broke). So I gave myself a $75 limit, an amount I could easily make back my first week.

Step One: I went through everything my husband owned

This was the cheapest step. I found a large stash of black socks and a black belt that fit me. I was 40% finished before I even left the house! 

Step Two: I got my broke self to the thrift shop (just like Macklemore!)

Amazingly, I had a huge supply of black pants to pick and choose from. I went to two, and found two pairs for about $15. One pair are from The Limited, and the second a very sensible pair of Dockers. Apparently white oxfords are a hot ticket right now, because I couldn't find a single one that would fit, even in the men's section. Unsurprisingly, there were no black non-skid shoes in my size.

Step Three: I went to Walmart

I really hate Walmart. I hate the fact that the employees aren't paid enough, I hate how many small local businesses they've undercut and run out of business. But sometimes I'm too poor to pick and choose, so I sucked it up and went. They didn't even have white women's oxfords, so I got a men's size small and it fits pretty well. I got two of them for around $30. The only black, non-skid shoes they had in my size were really really hideous black unisex crocs. Damn you size 11 feet! I would've kept looking, if only they hadn't been $20, the cheapest I'd seen, even beating out the ones online.

The most annoying part is that most of this uniform is covered with an apron, but I don't mind too much because it means that I only need to iron the sleeves, collar, and the top of the back of the oxford. But, compared to what I wore as a nanny (i.e. whatever the hell I wanted) I find that it stifles my creativity.

To help me feel more like myself, I wore small dinosaur earrings and purple eyeliner to work on my first day. No one noticed.

Tiny longnecks and purple eyeliner helped me keep my personality in my bland uniform

We're not even talking about how awful and utilitarian and  horrible these shoes are. Hubs says I can clean them in the dishwasher. Oh, joy.

THE COWORKERS

I'm not going to tell you where I work, because duh, Craigslist killer, but let's say it's a casual, family dining restaurant.

Now, remember, I've never been a waitress before, nor have I ever worked a Point of Service (POS) machine. I can also say without a shadow of a doubt that if there is ever something I do a crazy Office Space style attack on, it will be this machine. Everything is hidden in little niches and abbreviated and just not intuitive at all.

My coworkers have been nice enough to help me put things in when I'm visibly distressed, and they do so without judgement. Even if they just did that I'd be grateful. But they do even more. They help refill drinks, carry food out, put the finishing touches on food when it comes off the line, and sometimes are just there to say "am I the only one sweating like a pig back here in this kitchen!?" because YES, I AM TOO WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT.

They're also just strong, wonderful people. Some have kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives that they're trying to take care of. Some are struggling. But that never stops them from laughing.

Even the dishwasher in the back who calls me "princess" only does so because he's just trying to make the monotony of mugs and silverware exciting. He calls me princess because I never scrape the food off the plates with my hands. You wouldn't want to either if you'd seen what I've seen. 

I've already fallen in love with the buzz of the coworkers. It's probably the best part of this job so far.

THE CUSTOMERS

Compared to nannying, I am kinda loving the clientele. Even if a table is being a pain in the butt, I know that they'll soon be gone, and in their place will be a fresh start. A clean slate. Working with the same kid everyday is nice because you know their quirks, but you have to adhere to the rules ALL THE TIME if you don't want your life to be a living hell. Not so with being a waitress. It's the same basic process, but I mix it up depending on the audience. With couples on a date I try to be discreet, for people I see are struggling to make conversation with each other I try to make small talk. Suggest nearby attractions to the out-of-towners. 

Honestly, the worst part is that people think "oh, it's casual, I'm just having pancakes" and then only tip me $2 on a $22 tab. Not because they didn't enjoy their meal, or their service. Well, you still have a waitress, and I'm still getting you drink refills, bussing your table, making sure your food comes out in a timely manner, and basically being at your beck and call throughout your meal. I don't care what time of day it is or where you are, if you have a waitress, tip 20%. They'll think less of you.

If you're going to hang around, tip a crapload. You're not ordering more food and I'm going to be pleased when I see you were at my table for an hour plus and then left me $3. You've wasted my time and belittled everything I did for you throughout your meal.

But then today I had a lovely old couple pay for the soldiers sitting behind them, and dropping off their meals and telling them it was free felt awesome. Everyone left happy.

One day, when I'm not broke, I'm going to do things like that. I'm going to tip with reckless abandon and buy strangers their meal. For now I just get to enjoy seeing it.

FINAL VERDICT

Not a bad job. I like that I still have a good amount of my day left to spend with the hubs, and he's happy to see me working. He's also perfectly happy rubbing my feet, which is amazing.

Presents are hard to buy....

They really are. So I'm going to give you some easy things that you can easily buy up and have on hand for emergency gift-giving. All can be done for under $100, and most you could easily swing for under $50.

Beach Basket

This one is good for an early-summer birthday, or even all year round if you live in Florida. Get 2 really cute beach towels (I saw some mad cute ones at Walmart for like $6), a cute sun hat, some plastic tumblers (no glass at the pool!), maybe a cute summer-y shade of nail polish, and a couple of pool toys. Depending on your budget, you could even spring for a nice beach umbrella.

Romantic Night In

Just get a bottle of sparkling wine (Andre is like less than $10 a bottle and really good), and some really nice chocolate. It's a really good, cheap option, great for gift exchanges and white elephants parties. It's also not sad if a single person ends up with it. Plus, I don't know about you guys, but I refuse to pick out other peoples sex things. Massage oil, weird games, and lingerie..... I just can't look at it without thinking of them, and that gets super weird super fast. So just don't.

Tea Party

Do yourself a favor and never get this one for a dude. I actually kinda love this one for kids ages 4-8. Get a tea set (or this and this would be lovely), some really cute little cookies and snacks, plus hot cocoa, and your instant tea party ROCKS. You could adjust it for adults by replacing the hot cocoa with some fancy loose tea, but it depends on the person.

Picnic In The Park

Buy this basket and then fill it with a couple of linen napkins, a bottle of wine, plastic wine glasses, a cheese spreader, crackers, brie, cookies, and one of these blankets. Give it during warm weather months and they'll love you. Adjust it for those with kids by replacing the wine with Pellegrino and throw in some juice boxes.

Winter Blues

For those of you lucky enough to have winter (I miss the snow so much.....), you can build an easy gift to fight off some winter blues. Warm socks, a pair of mittens in a cheery hue (Kate Spade makes some hella adorable ones), a big heavy mug, hot cocoa mix, mini marshmellows, a bag of dry soup mix (get a nice one from World Market or something), and some hand warmers make a lovely gift.

New Parent Pack

This is what to bring to the hospital or visiting new parents pretty soon after they've welcomed their bundle of joy. Prepared foods (frozen lasagnes, casseroles, etc if they're at home, some pasta salad or sandwiches from a nice deli if they're in the hospital), and an appointment for a mani-pedi for momma during a time you can babysit, or have a place that comes to the house do it and be there to take care of baby while she gets pampered. If they have a dog, get them a couple weeks of a dog-walking service. Honestly, their brains are going to be mush for a while and they'll be completely overwhelmed by baby. Give gifts that make life easier, not a tu-tu for the little one. 

If you never want them to return your calls again, make sure you get their older kid a drum set. 

But seriously... don't.

The Aspiring Baker

Easy peasy to get this one together. Get an adorable apron (just go to anthropologie.com), some cookbooks filled with cupcake/dessert recipes, and a set of piping tips. Don't bother with pastry bags, just put a post-it note that says to cut a hole in the corner of a Zip-loc bag. You can wash it if you want to use it again, or just toss it.

The Party Animal

Get a set of novelty shot glasses and a couple bottles of booze. If you want to be nice, include a little hangover kit with aspirin  bottles of water, Gatorade, saltines, one of those big Starbucks doubleshot cans of coffee, and bagels.

For "The Dude"

FUN THEME GIFT ALERT! Get them a DVD of "The Big Lebowsky", the ingredients for a White Russian, popcorn, and a laminated version of the rules for the drinking game. There are a few versions of the rules online, so pick your favorite.

Caffeine Me

For the coffee drinker in your life. Start with a travel mug (I own two of these), then add in flavored coffees, coffee liquer, chocolate covered espresso beans, and top it off with a Starbucks gift card. They'll love you, even in the mornings.

Bath Addict

Some people love baths, and aren't afraid to show it. Get a couple of bath bombs from Lush, some candles for ambiance, a book by an author you know they love, and if you want to go really over the top, get them an amazing robe. Always white, always terrycloth, and what they don't know they need yet is a hood on said robe. Amazing. Don't get those cellophane covered baskets of bath stuff, it's not creative enough for a close friend.



That's it for me right now! Did you love the ideas? Hate them? Let me know.....