Mother's Day!

Mother's Day is fast approaching, and it's time to make a few things VERY clear.

1. You're buying a gift for your mother, not a gift you think she should have
2. If someone owns lots of something, it means they like them, not that they have enough
3. Use your damn brain

These rules seem really simple, but still people panic and end up buying a random gift set. My own mom said that her co-workers son wouldn't buy her the purse she wanted because she "has too many." 

Well then, don't buy yourself the purse.

And using the example of purses, take note as to what purse you see all the time. If she's constantly carrying around a massive tote, don't buy her a clutch. She's not going to use it. Ever. If she doesn't wear jewelry, don't get her a necklace. If she doesn't drink coffee, she'll have no use for the fancy cappuccino machine you think will "make her love coffee" because they're a pain in the butt to use and SHE DOESN'T WANT IT. Maybe your mom has been wearing the same cotton robe for 15 years, and you know she needs a new one. Get her a nice new cotton robe, not a satin one because you think it's more "luxurious". 

You're being a dick to your own mother when you do these things. It's not OK.

I'm going to describe to you a few different people, then give you a list of gifts they would like based on their likes and dislikes.

MOM 1

She's always busy, she's always on the go, has 1,000 Starbucks coffee cups littering her car, and enjoys spending her down time doing yoga and going to the beach with a massive canvas tote full of trashy romance novels. Lately she's been making noise about doing a juice cleanse, but knows that making the juice herself would be a pain.

Gifts:
1. Starbucks gift card, because if she likes to get her coffee there, she's not going to stop just because you think it's stupid. She won't use the espresso machine.

This one even has butterflies.

2. A new yoga mat, or a Lululemon gift card. Make sure you peek at her current mat so you can get her the same size/style. And lululemon is notorious for amazing yoga wear.

Worst case scenario, she buys a pretty t-shirt.

3. A brand new canvas tote, with a luxurious beach towel and an Amazon gift card (so she can pick her own bodice-rippers)

Even I want this tote from Kate Spade.

4. A gift card to a juice cleanse delivery service, like blueprintcleanse.com. She'll be able to choose whatever cleanse she wants, while never juicing a single apple or celery stalk. Remember, she needs to really want this. Otherwise she'll think you think she's fat. 

I mean, I'd prefer to not juice cleanse, but I also like food, soooooo yeah.

MOM 2

She's a soccer mom, always with a camping chair in the back of her minivan so that she can be comfortable on the sidelines. A bit of a fashion maven, she's constantly rocking a stack of bangles or a statement necklace, and her jewelry box is always bursting at the seams with new purchases. Recently, your dad mentioned she hasn't shut up about the spa day she went on with her girlfriends, and her new obsession with audiobooks.

Gifts:

1. A brand new camping chair, with some lumbar support, because no one says "ugh don't you hate being comfortable?".

This one is from REI and even has a little pocket under her legs for sunscreen.

2. More jewelry. Yeah, she has a crapload of it, BUT SHE LIKES IT. That's why she's buying it. I promise you, it's not to piss you off.

This is from the Etsy seller bubblejewellery and is adorable

3. Find out from your dad which spa she went to, and sign her up for a massage or facial there. Obviously she liked it. Use this information to your advantage. 

Just look at how happy this woman is!

4. Get her a subscription to audible.com. She likes audio books. Don't call her an old lady, let her know you love her despite her weird quirks.

This came up when I googled audiobooks and it makes me really really happy

MOM 3

She's loved the Zumba class she went to, but recently quit the gym because she lacked the motivation to get there. Every time you go to her house there's a weird new beer in the fridge, and her house always has a scented candle lit. Also, you've noticed that she's been keeping her makeup in a ziplock bag, which is kinda horrific considering she carries it around in her purse. People see. And they're judging.

Gifts:

1. Zumba workout DVD set. She liked the workout, and now she can do it in the privacy of her own home.

Apparently there's a Zumba "Gold" version for sale at Zumba.com that's for Baby Boomers aka old folks. It's okay to be old. Pinky swear.

2. Beer of the month club. Just google one and pick it. That way mom gets a fun new beer every month, and if she likes it, you can do that literally every single year. See? Now you're both happy.

Or make a super festive gift basket with beer and snacks, like this one from gourmetgiftbaskets.com 

3. Gift card to Yankee Candle. Let her pick her own stuff and feel totally guilt free.

This one doesn't come with butterflies on it. How sad.

4. Buy her a brand new makeup bag. Just make sure that it'll fit all her stuff, including her brushes. 

I got my mom this large cosmetic bag from Vera Bradley for Christmas one year and she's never used a plastic bag since.

Remember, every mom is different. If you're really stumped, JUST ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS. Seriously, it's okay to ask. If she still gives you a crappy answer, get her some flowers, a card, and a framed photo of the two of you. 

Or show her just how clueless you are and get her some savings bonds with a note that says "next time, just send me a link to whatever you want under $100." She'll get the hint.

Later kids, and Happy Mothers Day!

Throwback picture of my mom and my little baby self.

I know this is my mom and my sister, but do you see the apron my mom is wearing? I BOUGHT HER THAT. I WASN'T EVEN THERE AND SHE WAS WEARING IT.
That's success.

UPDATE: My mom's co-worker who inspired this post showed her son my blog, and she got a brand new Coach bag for Mother's Day!!

Cue crazy powertrip.